Pantheon of Protagonists
by Solar Soldier
Summary: Edward orders a pizza which arrives at 10pm. Chaos ensues.


Fortress of Solitude

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><p>Ichigo lounged on the couch, mindlessly flipping through the channels on TV. The doorbell rang. Ichigo grunted in annoyance. It rang again. "Someone going to get that?" Ring. Ring. Ring. . RING.<p>

"GAH! FINE! I'll get the freaking door!" Ed stomped angrily for the door. The Full Metal yanked the door off its hinges, scaring the piss out of the pizza boy on the other side. "WHAT?"

"P-pizza…?" The poor boy said meekly, holding the box in his shaking hands.

The Full Metal's expression changed instantly. "Oh. 'Bout time. Thanks." Ed said with a grin, taking the pizza gratefully.

"Um…" The delivery boy nervously held out his hand.

Ed looked at the hand, then back at him. "What?"

The delivery boy blinked. "The…money. For the pizza?"

Ed chuckled. "Snooze ya lose, buddy. Thirty minutes or less, remember?"

"You guys live in the middle of freaking nowhere! I almost got eaten by ! Don't I at least get a tip!"

"Sure. Brush your teeth after every meal."

"Now look here half-pint—" The delivery boy had sealed his fate with a hyphenated word.

No sooner had the words left his mouth when Ed grabbed his throat. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE COULD FIT IN A THIMBLE!" The volume of his cry was only matched by the speed at which the delivery boy flew as he was thrown from the doorstep.

"That's not what I !" The boy screamed as he flew until he disappeared on the horizon.

Ed walked away from the destroyed doorway. "Hey guys, pizza." He called casually, as if nothing had happened.

Naruto shuffled into the living/dining room. "What's with all the racket?" He grumbled sleepily. He looked up and brightened. "Sweet, pizza!"

He swiftly snatched the box from Ed and placed it on the table. Ichigo jumped from the couch and headed to the table. Ed gave him an accusatory look. "Oh, so you'll get up to eat the food you don't pay for, but you won't even answer the door?"

"You don't pay for the food here either, idiot." Ichigo said with a roll of his eyes.

"Not the point. Point is, you're a lazy, do-nothing bastard." Ed muttered, taking a piece out of the pie.

Naruto stopped mid-bite. _'Shit. Here we go again…'_

Ichigo's brow twitched. He grinned dangerously. "You wanna go you little runt?"

Ed shoved his face into Ichigo's. "WHO'RE YOU CALLING RUNT YOU FUCKING DELINQUENT!"

"DON'T CALL ME A DELINQUENT YOU WHELP!"

Naruto stealthily lifted the pizza box from the table and snuck away. Let the idiots have their fight, he just wanted his damn pizza. "CARROT TOP!"

"SQUIRT!"

"THUG!"

"Guys." The argument stopped cold and both looked down the hallway. Gohan popped his head out of his room. "Stop." He growled tiredly.

Ichigo, ever the hard-headed idiot, put on a stubborn expression. "Stay outta this, bookworm."

Gohan sighed. "Ichigo, the only thing stopping me from sending you to the moon is the fact that maybe, just maybe, you'd be smart enough to understand I'm not to be fucked with right now."

Ed, by now, had wisely backed out and retreated to Naruto's room to see if he could still get some pizza. Ichigo, figuring he wasn't about to let the kid scare him, held his ground. "Oh, so you're tough now, huh?" Before he knew it, his visor had formed on his face and his zanpaktou was in his hand.

Gohan sighed again and stepped out into the hallway. "So be it."

And so the story ends. Some say that Gohan made good on his promise, and did in fact send Ichigo to the moon, shouting "TO THE MOOOOOON" as he did it. Others say that Gohan sank the Antarctic, effectively ending the tyranny of the seal king over the penguins, but killing the penguins themselves in the process. Still others say that DBZ, Bleach, FMA, and Naruto fanboys rose up in outrage at this satirical piece of fiction. What is known to this day, however is that Naruto never shared that pizza with Edward.

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><p><strong>AN: Just one of my semi-sleep deprived bullshit sessions with my 'cuz put to paper. If no one likes it I won't lose sleep over it. If you do, who knows? I might start a series of random crack fic one shots**


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